Harry Potter and the Facebook Request
by skorva
Summary: A story of a Facebook status wall showing the content and lives of our favourite Hogwarts students. Draco's relationship status, Harry's new live online, and much more to come! Pansy gets dumped, Daphne hooks up. Will best friends become enemies?
1. Harry's Profile

Author's Note: This is just what I think what happen if Harry Potter and Crew were on Facebook, and how it would change things. Yes, Harry Potter's school life was from 1991- 1997, and Facebook came out in 2005. But it's called a Fanfic, so please don't flame me.

* * *

Harry Potter and the Facebook Request

**Harry Potter **joined Facebook.

**Harry Potter **is now friends with **Ron Weasley**, **Hermione Granger**, and **50 Others**.

**Harry Potter**: Ahh, finally, I've got Facebook! Lol. A new era begins...

(4 minutes ago)

**Ron Weasley** commented on **Harry Potter**'s status:**  
**Finally mate! After three years of bugging you to get it!

**Hermione Granger **commented on **Harry Potter**'s status:**  
**Well I've had it since I lived with my parents in the Muggle world.

**Neville Longbottom** commented on **Harry Potter**'s status:**  
**My grandma said that I couldn't get it till last year!

**Draco Malfoy **commented on **Harry Potter**'s status:  
Most of us had this since first year! What a late bloomer, Potter. If there was a 'dislike' button...

* * *

**Harry Potter **joined Dumbledore's Army, The Chosen One Will Reign On, and 2 other groups.

**Harry Potter **changed his education.

**Harry Potter **goes to Hogwarts class of 1996.

**Harry Potter **changed his interests.

**Harry Potter **likes Quidditch, Join S.P.E.W For House Elves!, and 9 others.

* * *

**Ginny Weasley **wrote on **Harry Potter**'s Wall:**  
**Hey, Harry! Finally you got Facebook! Luv you! :)

**Draco Malfoy **commented on **Ginny Weasley**'s Post:**  
**"The Chosen One" got Fb. Aren't you supposed to be off fighting the Dark Lord. Oh, wait. You're a fraud and a liar!

**Harry Potter **commented on **Ginny Weasley**'s Post:  
Thanks Ginny. Love you too. And Draco- sod off!

**Draco Malfoy **commented on **Ginny Weasley**'s Post:  
Oh, shut it, Potter.

**Ron Weasley **commented on **Ginny Weasley**'s Post:  
Don't you have anything better to do, Malfoy? Just because you're friends with my sister on here, doesn't mean you can go poking around on Harry's wall!

**Draco Malfoy **commented on **Ginny Weasley**'s Post:  
Oh please Weasel. It's not like I want to look on Potter's wall anyway! Look at all the half-blood rubbish littering my wall...

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **joined The Chosen One is A Fake, It's Slytherin Bitch!, **3 others**.

**Draco Malfoy**: The Gryffindors only won because on Potter's damn Felix Felicis! Wait till **Severus Snape** hears about this!

**Hermione Granger **commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s status:  
You don't know if they actually used it or not, Malfoy!

**Draco Malfoy** commented on his own status:  
Like it's isn't obvious, Mudblood...

**Ron Weasley **commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s status:  
DON'T CALL HER THAT YOU PIECE OF SCUM!

**Draco Malfoy **commented on his own status:  
Get off my wall you dirty blood traitor.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **changed his relationship status from "in a relationship" to "single"

**Pansy Parkinson **commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s relationship status:  
How could you do this to me? On Facebook! You rotten, disgusting boyfriend! Apologize and I'll take you back though... :)

**Draco Malfoy** commented on his own relationship status:  
Why would I want to apologize to you? I just broke up with you, you fool! Go to a dog kennel or shut the hell up!

**Pansy Parkinson** commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s relationship status:  
How dare you! We've been together for almost five years! I was always there for you. I was the best girlfriend. Better than any girl!

**Daphne Greengrass** commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s relationship status:  
Pansy you should watch what you say. Draco, you're right, someone needs to get her to a dog kennel. Lol.

**Draco Malfoy** commented on his own relationship status:  
Haha, yeah Daphne, she does. Wanna come with me to Hogsmeade this weekend?

**Daphne Greengrass **commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s relationship status:  
Sure. ;) See you there, DM.


	2. We Have Cookies

**Harry Potter**: Ha! Take that Snape, I'm on Facebook during Potions...Bastard.  
(Sent by Facebook Mobile)

**Severus Snape **commented on **Harry Potter**'s status:  
Turn to page 493.

**Harry Potter **commented on his own status:  
Should've changed my privacy settings. Fuck.

* * *

**Lord Voldemort**: Damn you **Harry Potter**! Damn you to the deepest depths of hell!

**Harry Potter **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
Oh shut up. We already found out your dirty little secret about the damned horcruxes.

**Lord Voldemort **commented on his own status:  
Shut your dirty little mouth, boy!

* * *

**Draco Malfoy**: Sorry **Daphne Greengrass **but your sister, **Astoria Greengrass **has got more looks than you. No offence. (Oh who are we kidding- yes, offence to you!)

**Daphne Greengrass **commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s status:  
Shut up you ignorant fool! You dirty little prat! You nosy fucked up fool! You- you!

**Severus Snape **commentated on **Draco Malfoy**'s status:  
No means to use that kind of language, Miss Greengrass. My office, tomorrow.

**Daphne Greengrass **commentated on **Draco Malfoy**'s status:  
...shit.

* * *

**Bellatrix Black-Lestrange **added **Torturing, and ****Avarda Kedavra** to her interests.

* * *

**Narcissa Black-Malfoy**: Don't hurt my son, please...I beg of you...**Lord Voldemort**...spare him...spare Draco.

**Lord Voldemort **commented on **Narcissa Black-Malfoy**'s status.  
Begging is weak. Draco will live if he succeeds.  
PS: Don't be late for the Death Eater party on Friday. It's your turn to bring the cookies.


	3. Good Luck, Assholes

**Harry Potter**: Is battling Malfoy in the bathrooms. Shit.

(a second ago via Facebook for iPhone)

**Severus Snape **commented on **Harry Potter**'s status:  
No fighting in the washrooms, boys! Play nicely!

* * *

**Ron Weasley**: Help, I'm suck in Malfoy Manor!

(3 minutes ago via Facebook Mobile)

**Dobby House-elf **commented on **Ron Weasley**'s status:  
Dobby will save you! Dobby is coming with Kreacher!

**Peter 'Wormtail' Pettigrew **commented on **Ron** **Weasley**'s status:  
Oh no you don't.

* * *

**Harry Potter **posted on **Remus Lupin**'s wall:  
Are you a werewolf?

**Remus Lupin **commented on **Harry Potter**'s post:  
Why, yes, yes I am.

**Harry Potter **commented on his own post:  
Are you fucking serious?

**Remus Lupin **commented on **Harry Potter**'s post:  
Yes, that too.

**Harry Potter **commented on his own post:  
O_O

* * *

**Astoria Greengrass **posted on **Draco Malfoy**'s wall:  
Hey Malfoy, your bed looks warm...Can I Slytherinnn...?

**Draco Malfoy **commented on **Astoria Greengrass**'s post:  
You know you don't need to say "Lumos Maxima" to turn me on.

**Ron Weasley **commented on **Astoria Greengrass**'s post:  
Get a room!

* * *

**Lord Voldemort**: Every day I'm provided with more reasons to hate people.  
Maybe I should just start my own social network. The anti-social network.

(10 minutes ago)  
(**Bellatrix Black-Lestrange**, **Lucius Malfoy**, and **12 **others like this)

**Alecto Carrow **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
A nice idea, My Lord.

**Amycus Carrow **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
I agree, My Lord.

**Harry Potter **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
You'll never win, Voldemort! Good will prevail over all evil!

**Lord Voldemort **commented on his own status:  
GOOD LUCK, ASSHOLES.


	4. Fanfiction?

**Harry Potter**: Just read fanfiction. Worse. Day. Of. My. Life.

(5 minutes ago)

**Draco Malfoy **commented on **Harry Potter**'s status:  
Theres one thing we can agree on...What the fuck is "Dramione"?

**Hermione Granger **commented on **Harry Potter**'s status:  
Its a fic about us! Eek! Take me off that site!

**Sirius Black **commented on **Harry Potter**'s status:  
Dramione? What about Drarry? It's horrific!

**Harry Potter **commented on his own status:  
Please...someone delete those!

**Ginny Weasley **commented on **Harry Potter**'s status:  
I don't think so, Harry. Theres about half a million fanfictions out there about us. Good, and bad.

**Ron Weasley **commented on **Harry Potter**'s status:  
Just kill me now...

* * *

**Severus Snape**: Another day of those bloody Gryffindors...

(10 minutes ago via Facebook Mobile)

**Ron Weasley **commented on **Severus Snape**'s status:  
Why you little...

* * *

**Ron Weasley **posted on **Harry Potter**'s wall:  
How many Slytherins does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

**Harry Potter **commented on **Ron Weasley**'s wall post:  
I don't know? How many?

**Rom Weasley **commented on his own post:  
Five. One to screw it in, while the other four say that with their  
fathers' connection to the Ministry, they could screw it faster!

**Harry Potter **commented on **Ron Weasley**'s post:  
I thought that wizards didn't use electricity...

**Ron Weasley **commented on his own post:  
=_=

* * *

**Ron Weasley**: What do you get when you cross the Dark Lord with **Harry Potter**?  
...Dead! HAHAHAHAHA!

(a second ago)

**Lord Voldemort **commented on **Ron Weasley**'s post:  
Shut up, boy...

* * *

**Severus Snape**: No, Diggory...Vampires don't sparkle. 50 points from Hufflepuff.

(6 minutes ago via Facebook Mobile)

**Edward Cullen **commented on **Severus Snape**'s status:  
Cedric's dead...don't make fun of him. And yes, yes we do sparkle.

**Severus Snape **commented on his own status:  
Get lost! You don't even go to this school. 


	5. A Killer Hot Bod

**Lord Voldemort**: People are ridiculous. The phrase "talk some common sense into them"  
clearly isn't working. Time to start smacking sense into people.

(2 minutes ago) (41 people Like this)

**Bellatrix Black-Lestrange **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
Smack some sense into them? Just use "crucio".

**Hermione Granger **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
I find it quite unfortunate that my iPhone is always trying to correct your name to  
"Lord Goldsmith".

**Lord Voldemort **commented on his own status:  
I don't ask people, "What's the matter with you?". That would imply that I actually  
care about their feeble and petty problems.

(28 people Like this)

* * *

**Ginny Weasley**: Twilight is getting to be so lame. Why doesn't the guy that looks like  
Cedric just turn Bella into a freaking vampire already? "It'll ruin your life." Pfft- As if.

(7 minutes ago via Facebook for Blackberry)

**Edward Cullen **commented on **Ginny Weasley**'s status:  
Ahhem...I have Facebook too, you know.

**Severus Snape **commented on **Ginny Weasley**'s status:  
Didn't I tell you to keep off? :( You don't even go to Hogwarts, mister.

* * *

**Lucius Malfoy**: Drugs don't make you cool, being evil does. Badass is always in.  
The only thing 'smoking' in the Death Eaters is my hot bod.

(5 minutes ago)

**Narcissa Malfoy **commented on **Lucius Malfoy**'s status:  
Oh, Lucius. Stop trying to fool us, your 'hot bod' days died out in the 70's.

**Lucius Malfoy **commented on his own status:  
Now, Cissa, I was just implying a good example for Draco...you know how kids  
are these days...

* * *

**Lord Voldemort**: Draco won't stop singing. No, we will not be making  
"Hot and dangerous, if you're one of us then roll with us" the "Death Eater Theme Song."

(a second ago via Facebook Mobile)

**Draco Malfoy **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
Why not? Please? Pretty, pretty please...?

**Lucius Malfoy **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
Now, Draco...don't embarrass us.

**Harry Potter **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
Sounds like something Draco would say...

**Draco Malfoy **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
Take it off! Delete! Delete! *Virtual CRUCIO*


	6. Whomping His Willow

**Ashley-Rose Everdeen-Malfoy**: Just a big thanks to all my reviewers! I love you so  
much for reading this! Follow me on Twitter= MadeleineMalfoy, for updates on my stories.  
And DeviantArt [I don't have a lot on there now, but bear with me as I'll post some  
original art later].

(a second ago via Facebook Mobile) (3 people like this)

* * *

**Lord Voldemort**: Why is contributing called "Putting your two cents in."? What you're  
adding is only worth two cents. You're useless. Shut up and go away, filthy Mudblood.

(2 minutes ago) (12 people like this)

**Bellatrix Black-Lestrange **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
Who is it? Tell me! I'll crucio them like I did to the Longbottoms!

**Lord Voldemort **commented on his own status:  
No need to worry, Bellatrix. Soon the world will be at our mercy.

**Harry Potter**: As if.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy**: I don't know what is it with actor Tom Felton, but he seems  
quite familiar to me. Almost too familiar...

(9 minutes ago)

**Harry Potter **commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s status:  
So does Daniel Radcliffe. Are they taking the Polyjuice potion?

**Draco Malfoy** commented on his own status:  
It seems like they are. Time for a little muggle hunting on my behalf.

**Harry Potter** commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s status:  
Typical.

* * *

**Astoria Greengrass**: Being without you is like being affected with  
the Cruciatus curse.

(4 minutes ago)

**Draco Malfoy **commented on **Astoria Greengrass**'s status:  
Do you want to go to the Shrieking Shack? We can do some shrieking  
of our own...

**Astoria Greengrass **commented on her own status:  
Are you using the Confundus charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?

**Draco Malfoy **commented on **Astoria Greengrass**'s status:  
Well, maybe I am. But I know that I'm sure about one thing, that I've been  
whomping my willow thinking about you.

**Ron Weasley **commented on **Astoria Greengrass**'s status:  
Hello? Ron here. Once again, GET A FUCKING ROOM!

**Draco Malfoy **commented on **Astoria Greengrass**'s status:  
Ignore the twat. He's just jealous.

* * *

**Lord Voldemort**: No, I do not care about you. Nor do I wish to see you alive.

(5 minutes ago)

**Harry Potter **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
That's...that's just harsh, Voldie. Even for you.

**Lord Voldemort **commented on his own status:  
Shut up, you little shit! Don't call me that! I am Lord Voldemort, immortal!  
Muahahahaha!

**Harry Potter **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
Don't push your luck with the whole "I'm-an-evil-genius" thing. People like you  
more when you want to take over the world. Seriously.


	7. Voldie's Farmville

**Ashley-Rose Everdeen-Malfoy**: Thank you again. Please check out my  
other stories, (Draco/OC)= Opposites Attract: A Draco Malfoy Love Story and  
Innocence: A Harry Potter Prequel  which is (Tom/OC) but I try to stay in  
character and make them original. Not Mary-Sues, I promise!

(10 minutes ago)

* * *

**Harry Potter**: Yo mamma's so fat that the her dementor's kiss was swapped  
out for a hearty handshake and a promise to call her sometime.

(5 minutes ago)

**Ginny Weasley **commented on **Harry Potter**'s status:  
Are you talking about mum? That's it, Potter!

**Harry Potter **commented on his own status:  
No, No Ginny! It's not about your mum! It's a joke!

**Ginny Weasley **commented on **Harry Potter**'s status:  
Haha, very funny. A Joke my ass.

* * *

**Lord Voldemort **is now friends with **Tom Riddle **and **23 others.**

**Harry Potter **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s friendship:  
What? You're the same person!

**Lucius Malfoy **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s friendship:  
He can add himself if he wants to boy!

**Lord Voldemort **commented on his own friendship:  
No, no, Lucius. I needed another account for my Farmville. You know  
how I'm cheap on using my credit card!

* * *

**George Weasley**: Ah...Another day at the shop.

(4 minutes ago)

**Fred Weasley **commented on **George Weasley**'s status:  
Right you are, brother! Lets whip up some Puking Pastilles.

**George Weasley **commented on his own status:  
I'm already on it!

**Molly Weasley **commented on **George Weasley**'s status:  
You boys better behave yourselves! Tut, Tut...

* * *

**Harry Potter **added Quidditch and The Slug Club to his interests.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy **posted on **Astoria Greengrass**'s wall:  
I may not be Luna, but I sure know how to Lovegood!

**Astoria Greengrass **commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s post:  
Lets see if your sword will fit into my sorting hat.

**Draco Malfoy **commented on his own post:  
I repaired the vanishing cabinet, but it only vanishes clothes, wanna  
try it?

**Ron Weasley **commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s post:  
I'm not going to even bother...


	8. Wand to Willy

**Fred Weasley: **If you want to protect your wand from "Hogwarts", don't enter her Chamber of Secrets.

(3 minutes ago)

**Harry Potter **commented on **Fred Weasley**'s status:  
Fred! Is this because of Angelina?

**Fred Weasley **commented on his own status:  
Of course not, it's for Neville...

**Harry Potter **commented on **Fred Weasley**'s status:  
o_o

* * *

**Draco Malfoy:** I dare you to replace the word "wand" for "willy" for the whole day.

(a second ago)

**Ron Weasley **commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s status:  
HP6- pg 65  
"There was no need to stick the willy in that hard" He said gruffly, clambering to his feet, "It hurt."

**Blaise Zabini **commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s status:  
"I is not doing it!' she squealed, her eyes rolling in terror.  
"I is not, I is not, I is not knowing how! I is a good elf, I isn't using willies, I isn't know how!"  
"You've been caught red-handed, elf!" Mr. Diggory roared-  
"Caught with the guilty willy in your hand!" -HP4, p136

**Draco Malfoy **commented on his own status:  
"He and all the other Weasleys froze on the threshold, gazing at the scene in front of them,  
which was also suspended in mid-action, both Sirius and Snape looking toward the door with their willies  
pointing into each other's faces and Harry immobile between them..."

**Astoria Greengrass **commented on **Draco Malfoy**'s status:  
"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.  
"Oh, well - I was at Hogwarts meself but I - er - got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth.  
In me third year. They snapped me willy in half an' everything.

* * *

**Lord Voldemort**: No, you have not been put under an unforgivable curse,  
that's just what Monday feels like.

(2 seconds ago)

**Harry Potter **commented on **Lord Voldemort**'s status:  
I'm afraid to say that I actually agree with that.

**Lord Voldemort** commented on his own status:  
Do you want to anger me, boy?


End file.
